The Rise of the ‘Diagnostic Divas’ and How They’re Wrecking Relationships
Wit & Reason with alex and DR. Alexis
From viral TikToks calling every guy a narcissist to comment sections telling strangers to “leave him now,” the internet is full of armchair therapists handing out diagnoses without context. In this episode of Therapy or Trash, Dr. Alexis Moreno and therapist Alex Honigman dissect the rise of the “Diagnostic Divas” — people with no credentials making sweeping judgments about relationships based on a single clip. They break down the psychology of online overreactions, the dangers of DIY diagnosing, and why these trends can damage real relationships. Along the way, they react to some of the wildest posts and comments, explain how real clinicians assess behavior, and share practical ways to protect your relationships from bad advice.
Listen in for the expert insights, laugh-out-loud reactions, and myth-busting truths you won’t get from your feed.
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Host
Dr. Alexis Moreno - Wit & Reason
ALEXIS MORENO, PSYD, MA, MS - SHE/HER
PSYCHOLOGIST, HEALTH CORRESPONDENT, Speaker, & Founder
Dr. Alexis (she/her) utilizes the powerful impact awareness, education, & opportunity have on mental health. She mindfully creates fun & supportive experiences for her speaking and media audience and private clients to safely explore their true values, learn new healthy practices, & take action steps toward living authentically.
She has a Doctorate in Clinical Community Psychology, a Master of Arts in Marriage & Family Therapy, & a Bachelor of Science in both Television Broadcasting & Psychology. With over 16 years of experience in media & psychology, she aims to make mental health relatable & accessible for all through her coaching, consultation, & media outreach.
Dr. Alexis provides media, speaking, & mental health consultation services.
Book a complimentary consultation with Dr. Alexis today!
Learn more about Dr. Alexis Moreno’s services:
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Alex Honigman - Wit & Reason
Alex Honigman, LICSW, MA- HE/ HIM
Clinical Director, Speaker, Therapist, & Executive Coach
Alex (he/him) enjoys the relationship between the psyche and society. Having never wanted to pick a side in the nature versus nurture debate, he pursued degrees in both Psychology and Sociology and finally a Master’s of Social Work with an emphasis on clinical interventions. He has worked as an educator for non-profits and lecturer for Universities. Starting as a therapist for survivors of trauma, moving on to perpetrators, and spending significant time as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker at a Forensic State Hospital. Alex continues to emphasize culture as a key component to effective therapy and the changing of systems (organizations and businesses). Whether this be through music, film, tv, art, comics, games, memes or other aspects of popular (or sometimes unpopular) culture. Utilizing an individual’s cultural values to make for a more meaningful individualized therapeutic intervention.
Learn more about Alex Honigman’s services:
Therapist, Mental Health Coordinator/Consultant, Entrepreneur
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Episode Transcription
Wit & Reason- The Rise of the ‘Diagnostic Divas’
Dr. Alexis: [00:00:00] Always unmute the mic first.
Alex: So we've learned, we have been, we are getting better at things.
Dr. Alexis: We are able to evolve
Alex: stronger and faster,
Dr. Alexis: particularly with technology, and I'm very proud of my
Alex: new shoes.
Dr. Alexis: What.
Alex: Like when you have new shoes, you're,
Dr. Alexis: and you can jump higher
Alex: and run.
Dr. Alexis: Is that how your brain feels after learning new technology?
That's called
Alex: building mastery. It is a therapeutic thing. It's called building mastery for a, b, c of any type of like, engagement for your mental health. Look at us. So yeah, a, a positive regard, build mastery and cope Hack. All day, every day.
Dr. Alexis: Thanks Sarah Elle,
Alex: therapy technique done. If you didn't pick up anything else from anything else, we say A, B, C.
Dr. Alexis: Okay, well that's not what we're talking about today.
Alex: Fra.
Dr. Alexis: We talked about therapy. I don't know, last time.
Alex: Therapy all day, every day. I
Dr. Alexis: know we're talking about when I have turned diagnostic diva [00:01:00] online.
Alex: I like that.
Dr. Alexis: But besides for them, you are. Are diagnosing people and, and circumstances based off of the posts that they see online.
Alex: Everybody's a narcissist.
Dr. Alexis: Oh, yes. Uh, apparently everybody
Alex: hates each other. If you're
Dr. Alexis: online, you'll learn that every dude's a supposed to put everything
Alex: is a red flag.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. Everything's a red flag. Uh, and you should just give up.
Alex: It's weird to think that like the, they people are like trying to like, they something irks them.
Yeah. They get under their skin about it, that something bothers them, something fundamentally bothers them, and then they decide that they need to then, what is it, armchair quarterback something or like, so you'll date like dating advice from,
Dr. Alexis: or relationship or marriage advice. Yeah, from randos, online randos.
And there's some benefits, you know, to kind of like posting online and ask your questions and seek advice, but then you don't know who it's coming from and, or [00:02:00] like where their lens is coming from. And so we're gonna be discussing,
Alex: is it therapy or is it,
Dr. Alexis: and this time we're diving a little bit more into not just the posts that people are presenting, but also the common section.
We're getting deep into the common section look, because that sometimes is where you wanna, like, you see a post, you wanna pull up the popcorn and you wanna scroll the comment session. What people have to say about it.
Wit and reason with Alex and Dr. Alexis, where real talk meets real growth. Diving deep into relationships and breakthroughs, live insights, expert advice, and your voice in the mix.
Let's build better lives together. Love how
Alex: everyone's mistakes. This is one of your things in which you have meticulously, like you became a psychologist. To be qualified to talk about psychological things within the realm of film and TV and mental health and all these other like, [00:03:00] like you literally were like, well, I better be qualified.
So went and got a doctorate to qualify.
Dr. Alexis: What? Like it's hard quote from Legally Blonde. No, it was bare.
Alex: It's right. Also Doctor, you have multiple degrees, so it's like just obnoxious. So just stop, um, you and the degree at all.
Dr. Alexis: Thanks. Thanks. I didn't know I was competing with anyone.
Alex: No, but
Dr. Alexis: myself. Yeah, that's my goals.
But before we dive into that, the, that's going on, it kind of really has. I noticed that when we're out and about. Yeah. Okay. Whether it's like an official formal date, you know, or we're just out and about, like hanging out, eating together or like, or lounging around like at the beach or doing, you know, spending quality time together.
Yes. And you are on your phone and I am not.
Alex: Yes, because
Dr. Alexis: I like tech breaks. And I would rather like not look at my phone at certain times, but you would be on your phone. Mm-hmm. I get a little, it's not so much like self-conscious, but kind of like relationship conscious.
Alex: Interesting. [00:04:00]
Dr. Alexis: Because I know that people might, like, observers might come by and then see us mm-hmm.
On this like date and then see you dude on your phone looking intensely on your phone. Mm-hmm. And then, and then me just kinda like sitting there chilling and then judge it. That snapshot of a moment without any understanding of like what's going on or why
Alex: our dynamics
Dr. Alexis: Right.
Alex: Who we are or why you're
Dr. Alexis: on your phone or anything.
And I know that because that used to be me. Mm-hmm. You know, when I was young and dating, that was like a red flag was like, if you see this couple un about and someone's on the phone and someone's like not, it's like you rule number one, you don't have phones out. Mm-hmm. You know, on a date, especially dinner or something like that.
Yeah. It don't really do it when we're at dinner, but then. Living life and marriage and running two businesses together. Yeah. There are times when you're on your phone, it's usually because you're looking something up for me. For you, or resolving something for me
Alex: if it's not for you.
Dr. Alexis: But the world doesn't know that.
What do I care what, like, and, and on lookers
Alex: for [00:05:00] me, if anyone's
Dr. Alexis: even paying attention, like who do I care what?
Alex: And my other thing is like, and you know this because I used to be on call all the time. I'm not on call the same way anymore. Yeah. But I also work in multiple time zones. That's always really hard.
I miss people if I don't pay attention to certain things. And so I'll like jump on things when I need to. Right. And we, I usually go need a work thing, gimme a second and I'll handle it and do whatever else I need to see. And
Dr. Alexis: we talk about it and
Alex: we talk it up. Yeah. So it's interesting. I don't know that if someone could judge it.
Okay. I could see somebody judging it. Yeah. But as you stated, 90% of the time, it's usually because you needed me to look something without people, something
Dr. Alexis: business related that I don't wanna freaking be dealing with. Yeah. So like the fact that you're on your phone working, I'm just there, chilling is a good sign.
It's not relationship and trouble or marriages and trouble. No, it's not. And so that, that goes to say with when we're like looking at people in these snapshot moments and then jumping to conclusions about what's going on. We're missing the mark. Yes. For just being judgmental and critical.
Alex: Yes. Either
Dr. Alexis: [00:06:00] IRL or or online.
We're looking at people's
Alex: snippets, very innocent posts.
Dr. Alexis: And then the comment section is just like yelling at them. Break up bad red flag.
Alex: Well, and I was thinking about this 'cause like, you know, there was that other trend around the the man of the year stuff where,
Dr. Alexis: yeah, there
Alex: was some horrible things being said.
And like, you know, to be, to be fair, the context is irrelevant to the statements being made when something is abusive,
Dr. Alexis: right? So there there's like clear signs of like, abuse and
Alex: if he's re, if they're resetting a play,
Dr. Alexis: violent assault, if they're
Alex: resetting a play, recounting something that somebody, they saw, somebody say, okay, that the, they're reading a script, they're reading a script, that context is important, that then maybe we're the rest.
There's no justification for saying those things.
Dr. Alexis: But what I'm referring to this time and different from when we're reviewing the Men of the Year post, right. Where it was like clearly problematic red flags. What we're looking at today are like people jumping to conclusions and making these generalized [00:07:00]
Alex: Yeah.
Diagnos diagnoses based off
Dr. Alexis: of like people's like behaviors.
Alex: Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: Which can be very nuanced and you don't really know what's going on there. What happened before the post. Yeah. What's even happening during Yep. Or what happens directly after. Yep. And people are like. Jumping into conclusions about these relationships and they have no freaking idea.
Yep. What's actually going on?
Alex: Hey,
Dr. Alexis: there was actually this one that I wanted to find and I want us to, I wanna redo where this guy was on, on a date with his boyfriend. Mm-hmm. And his boyfriend was on the phone and then he was sitting there just like extra, like looking like really sad and like I
Alex: be the one that looks
Dr. Alexis: snap.
No, this is my idea. Oh, that you're, you would be like on your phone. As you always are. And then I would just be sitting there like looking so sad and like recording myself looking sad while you're on your phone. But then his, uh, his title on the post was like, me pretending to be the neglected Yeah. Right.
Partner in the relationship. Right, right. He just grabbed that moment whenever. Yep. But he was like being straightforward. He is like, I'm just [00:08:00] around.
Yeah. I'm, I'm just
Dr. Alexis: pretending to be the neglected partner in the relationship with. With the boyfriend or spouse who's uh,
yeah.
Dr. Alexis: On their phone all the time.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: Probably making reservations forever, doing something for him.
Alex: Yes, yes. That happens a lot.
Dr. Alexis: Okay, so let's take a look at one of our first videos and we'll, we'll dive through it, because there's some things that come up that people are just, just making these generalizations and telling people, I hope they're not necessarily listening, telling people.
Through comments, like, you need to break up with this person immediately. Mm-hmm. Which is very con frank. So this one doesn't have any, any audio. So I'll describe it and I'll read it to you. Okay. For, for those of you are listening. Okay. So before we hit play.
Alex: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Alexis: So this TikTok or posted a video, you see like their partner, their back is to them and they're kind of in front of the camera.
Mm-hmm. Um, so you have a full body picture and then the title says. My hubby always walks in front of me whenever we go [00:09:00] out and you guys told me I should just stop walking and see what happens. LOL must be a millennial 'cause apparently we LOL everything, even if it's not funny. So this person seems slightly concerned.
They've already received some kind of advice from the strangers online. Would tell her stating that when her hubby walks in front of her, it's problematic and that she should be concerned. Yeah. So she should just test him and see what happens. If she's swaping testing
Alex: people's great idea
Dr. Alexis: because that's a healthy sign of her.
Alex: Yep. Shit.
Dr. Alexis: Finally started flipping around, turns around. I proud in front of her. Now the looking he's her. Flustered. FA little flustered, right?
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: Flails his arms up in the air. Yeah. And then like starts walking One rolled, yeah, rolled. Rolled his eyes and then starts like walking toward her
Alex: cry.
Dr. Alexis: Okay. So you watch the video?
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: If you are so inclined to leave a comment, what would that comment be? Dump him immediately.
Alex: No, I mean like, like he's a demon. I look, he [00:10:00] looked, he looked like, I mean, wouldn't that break his trust that you'd be there with him?
Dr. Alexis: Say more
Alex: because. He is making an assumption. Well, I mean likely making an assumption.
Mm-hmm. That you're there with him and walking with him or behind him and so when he turns around he is like exasperated or whatever else, it kind of like chips away at trust 'cause he can't trust that you'll be there.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah.
Alex: Granted, if you have a problem with that, you could let him know, but Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: So you're concerned about, about the guy's trust for,
Alex: because they're doing a testing measure.
Yeah. And testing measures them. Damaged trust.
Dr. Alexis: Well, that's not how the internet saw it. Milo. Oh, the internet didn't consider
Alex: 20 years of therapy or his perspective
Dr. Alexis: on the relationship were the fact that she was even testing it.
Alex: Okay. Internet.
Dr. Alexis: No, the internet. So we'll dive into the Comedy House. So the internet, his clothes and demeanor are giving Justin Bieber vibes.
Run the dude's in like a hoodie. He is wearing like shorts to his knees and sneakers. Okay? But that, that [00:11:00] comment got 240, 240 3000 likes. People really looked, oh crap, that this person was critical. Of the dude's attire. Yeah. And just this, on that alone, sit run. They're run. They just at
Alex: the grove say they're at the grove with delay.
Like it just, it looked like they're just going shopping or something. I mean, come on. And
Dr. Alexis: then side note, this post got 19,924 comments. This was a hot take.
Alex: Okay. Yeah. So I, I'm gonna read this next one. That's your teenage son that doesn't want to be seen with you, but still needs you to pay. Uh,
Dr. Alexis: so there again, judging the guy and just his appearance.
And, and, and, and then like I guess his an when the perceiving. As his annoyance.
Alex: Yeah. Okay.
Dr. Alexis: Okay. Next one. That's not a man. That's a teenage boy. 100.
Alex: This, he is wearing a hoodie. Boy, what's the deal?
Dr. Alexis: And then, okay, so finally we got next one down red flag. And there's 65,000 likes for that one. Why
Alex: is that a red flag?
Okay. [00:12:00]
Dr. Alexis: Because he is walking in front of her and apparently that's a huge red flag. Didn't they teach you that in your therapy school? Next person. He's trying to look single.
Alex: Oh, so that's why he stopped and looked around? No,
Dr. Alexis: that right? Yeah. He walks ahead because he's trying to look single, so they're like jumping to conclusions on that one.
But yeah, that's why he stops and then walks
Alex: back to her like, oh, real single. When you stop, look back and acknowledge the person. He's not the one. Wait, what? Wait, Canada, what are you saying about He's not the one sis. This person
Dr. Alexis: has a little Canadian. Okay.
Alex: Wait on,
Dr. Alexis: so he's not the one, so here's where it starts getting like more, you need a break.
Well, the other ones already said,
Alex: yeah, where they're
Dr. Alexis: giving more like
Alex: it's her husband, him walking in front without ever, without ever talking about this, without ever. It doesn't matter.
Dr. Alexis: Whatever is going on in those about or what they've been through divorce, he's not the one based on this one observation.
Alex: Have you tried walking in the opposite direction of him and never looking [00:13:00] back? Might be super fun. Wow. Right. Oh, with five, only five minutes thinking is five minutes. 13 likes.
Dr. Alexis: Okay, and then another one he looked annoyed to see you weren't following then more annoyed, not relieved when, so we're all like experts in.
What is that? The expertise where you read body language,
Alex: mic?
Dr. Alexis: Um, no, there's an actual term,
Alex: pems or micro expression. Okay.
Dr. Alexis: Um, when he finally saw you do him a favor and leave, be with someone that walks beside you and is relieved to see you when they find you
Alex: this one moment where he is like, what the hell?
And you're like, people were
Dr. Alexis: like really diving into these and they keep on going. I mean, they like Nike. He
Alex: doesn't like you. Sorry, I skipped, but he doesn't.
Dr. Alexis: Someone else said he doesn't like you. Someone else find a new man who is proud to walk with you. Someone else kind of mocking the scenario. What should I do next?
And then next is leave him. We all say in union the way he got frustrated. Oh, in, oh, see I don't have my glasses on. The way he got [00:14:00] frustrated makes me so angry. He didn't like, I don't know, I didn't read it. It's like that frustrating. Yeah, he, he got
Alex: flustered.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. It seemed like he got a little flustered.
He like
Alex: flip her off and started shouting.
Dr. Alexis: Right. And here's the thing. So I looked at the person who, who posted it. Yeah. I, I looked at her, at her profile and see like, okay, so is she okay? Is there more here that she's posted that people have been following and I just am not catching, you know, do people just know more about her and her relationship?
And she only had, she only has like a few posts. Mm-hmm. And all of them are just like POV, her watching him. Like doing random, mundane thing. Mm-hmm. And then her like describing them as like problematic. Mm-hmm. And like adding more to the story.
.: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Alexis: And at this point, as I'm like looking through her feed.
I'm wondering like, is this, is this account just like rage bait
Alex: or like,
Dr. Alexis: you know,
Alex: pandering or maybe just a joke in general? I make this whole thing just to harass my husband. 'cause it's funny,
Dr. Alexis: right?
Alex: He seems like a nice enough guy. [00:15:00] I don't know.
Dr. Alexis: And I like wonder like, does this dude even know that he's all over the internet and there's like millions of people watching him just look tired or work on his computer or, so the other posts are like, does anyone else's hu hubby.
Stand outside and pout whenever they go to Sephora because they refuse to go into any girls stores. And it's like, is that really what's happening here or is he just like. Stretching
Alex: or he may not like Sephora. It's overwhelming.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. I get overwhelmed.
Alex: Lot of with all the like
Dr. Alexis: with all, yeah, with all the sensory stuff going on.
Yeah. There's a
Alex: lot of stem.
Dr. Alexis: And then the other one is like he's giving me the silent treatment because I went through his Chet EBT logs and found him asking, is it flirting if I don't engage, but I guess I'm the villain for checking.
Alex: Is it flirting if he doesn't engage? Interesting. Because yes, he's asking to then it sounds like you're appeasing your own guilt around somebody flirting with you but you not, and reciprocating that.
Dr. Alexis: So this particular count seems really su to me.
Alex: Yeah, su
Dr. Alexis: especially [00:16:00] 'cause it's like all focused on like her hubby and how, I mean, and questioning out there, like how problematic he is. In the context that she's like putting it in just through text, not through like actual,
Alex: and he looks a little like he's frustrated with life in general, but other than that, yeah.
But
Dr. Alexis: it's interesting how critical people are Yeah. About these relationships. And imagine, imagine if someone was actually to like go to therapy with these types of questions.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: And try to like work through it. Or talk directly with their partner.
Alex: My first questions sweet are like, why do you fear this?
Or, yeah. So if this person who's posting this
Dr. Alexis: content came to you with the content saying like, all their concerns about their partner, how would you navigate that in actual therapeutic setting versus online?
Alex: What part of that that is bothering you? What, what, where, what's the takeaway for you, for you around this thing?
To know where it's coming from. The other thing that I would ask is like, have you communicated about it?
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. Do
Alex: you know what you'd then assert or [00:17:00] what assertions you'd make around that communication? My first
Dr. Alexis: question's always like, what did that person say when you, when you brought it up? Or What did you, yeah.
Yeah. What did you say when, when you brought it up to that person?
Alex: Yeah. I don't think, may even may get, I wanna know why they're even upset by it. Mm-hmm. Because they could be like, well. Because my dad abandoned me, and I'm like, oh, first
Dr. Alexis: question is like, have you talked to this person about it and how did that go?
Yeah. And then I'll come back around and get all the whys and all that stuff. But what's interesting online is that, and even back in the day when I was in my marriage and family therapy program, even when my professors disclose that this was a challenge in his marriage, was this issue of, of walking in front of your.
These are in heterosexual relationships, walking in men, walking in front of their wives. Seems to be like a hot button topic
Alex: to the point where
Dr. Alexis: my professor brought it up and, and there's, it was even in one of our, our books that referenced it between the author and his wives, where they were hiking together and the dude was just like on his hike in his [00:18:00] zone and hiking up this mountain.
And then the wife was like super pissed about it the entire time not communicating to him. And then later, after the whole hike was done later. And then she was like just kind of moody and quiet later on, blew up and said like. That's so disrespectful. I can't believe you just left me. You abandon me. Yeah.
So I guess it was like some of that like kind of abandonment Yeah. Insecurity stuff.
Alex: But on top of that it's like, well, did you say anything?
Dr. Alexis: Exactly. Well,
Alex: but then the other part is like what are you trying to get out of a hike?
Dr. Alexis: Yeah.
Alex: So for like,
Dr. Alexis: whether it's a hike or or a walk,
Alex: but just in gen. Right. So like what you're trying to get out a given thing mm-hmm.
Can be very different between two people. A given, given
Dr. Alexis: experience. Yeah.
Alex: All right. So if you're like hiking to let go of some things and not think about anything and not engage and just kind of be in nature. You may not wanna walk side by side with somebody unless they're trying to tell you that this is the intention of that walk.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. Or unless the intention of the walk is quality time. Yeah. Let's chat and converse along this walk together.
Alex: It's like in the mornings when you used to try and go for a [00:19:00] walk with me and I just wanted to be quiet. That wouldn't say anything. And I wanted to just walk for like ever and drink coffee and look at the world and just watch the world wake up.
It's like one of my favorite things just to be silent and go through things.
Dr. Alexis: We quickly learned that we had two very different expectations.
Alex: You were not silent in for our
Dr. Alexis: morning quality time together in our marriage,
Alex: not a walk. We will make breakfast together. We'll do everything else together. We'll work out together.
We'll do anything else together except for go for a walk.
Dr. Alexis: It's better for our marriage if he wakes up first and gets him alone time and then, and I sleep in and then I wake up and then we're like. Hey, what's up? That
Alex: sounds zero. You're awake. You're just so awake.
Dr. Alexis: And here's the thing. If I was to record that, you know?
Yeah. Without you knowing it, you know, legal in some states. Yeah. If I was to record our morning interactions where I'm like, Hey, I love you. I'm happy to see you. Let me tell you about all stuff I learned on TikTok lesson. You know,
Alex: like, you sleep, I love you. I'm gonna go now.
Dr. Alexis: Grunt a common [00:20:00] section.
Alex: Yeah. Of our
Dr. Alexis: beautiful, loving.
Amazing. Mary,
Alex: as I come back and you're like, Hey, honey,
Dr. Alexis: black you waffle. He hates you.
Alex: Come back with flowers and make you waffles and wall hates you. No other con. I just need a moment.
Dr. Alexis: Okay? Play another example of just people, these diagnostic divas go into town on these relationships based off of one thing that they see.
So here's another example of this issue that people have with men, their husbands or whoever walking ahead of them. So the time of reads, POV, you are at the store with a narcissist.
Alex: Now we're diagnosing. Okay. I know. Was that
Dr. Alexis: even diagnosed? I don't know. Wait for the end. And then the captioning is reading, starting off with, with the narcissist.
And then lower text also reads Why narcissists love to walk way ahead of you out in public. I don't
.: recall
Dr. Alexis: seeing
.: that
Dr. Alexis: in my
.: DSM this then, you know, this move. They walk seven miles ahead of [00:21:00]
you. Listen, there's a lot of funny mumbo jumbo throughout there, but I promise you that men do not put that much thought into anything.
Dr. Alexis: So this one's a stitch using audio from Melissa, talking about narcissism walking ahead of you, and she has this whole long audio that people have been reusing. While showing their husbands do it. Mm-hmm. So this guy stitched it, meaning he interrupted the video and now he's giving his take.
Alex: Yeah.
Wonderful. All right. I hear.
Dr. Alexis: So now we see this guy on the screen. He says,
Alex: we, we
men don't think of that, that deep. I'm like, eh, that's probably accurate actually. Okay. You know what we put our thought into when we get into Publix, uh, going to get in ta. If we don't stop at the beginning and look at the flowers over there, we don't give a shit about it freight.
We pay no mind to the little circle tables with the buy one and get one free cookie club. We could care less. We're not there for cookies. We're trying to get our tide bought. All that stuff about de validation and, um, all this, uh, whatever the hell you said. That's not true, man. Do not even, we're not even capable of thinking that far ahead.
I mean, there [00:22:00] are, we literally left the house because we wanted Tide Place and you asked could you ride with us? That's true. What do you wanna ride with me? You said I just wanna spend time with you and we're like at Publix. Yes. Anytime I can spend you is a great time. Oh, okay. Let's go to public center.
And we went straight to the Tide pods 'cause that's what we wanted. And we want to hurry up and get back home. 'cause obviously we need the Tide pod.
Alex: You gonna have a great day. His thought process. Highly accurate. Highly accurate. Linear thought process. The train is going, you just go. So when you tell me, hey, when I'm like, I gotta go to Home Depot or some other store, whatever, I have to go
to Home Depot.
Alex: But I, when I say I have to go to Home Depot Yeah. And you're like, I wanna come. And I'm like. Do you want to show up and grab something? I have these things in mind. And you hate going with me when I have those things in mind,
Dr. Alexis: there's so many little screws.
Alex: You, that's not even my point. It's because I don't do like, I'm on a mission.
I find the things I do what I have to do, and you're like, but I wanna go look over there. I'm like, [00:23:00] no, I gotta go over here. The nursery
Dr. Alexis: at the paint session.
Alex: And what happens when we do not do one section? What happens when we do not go and get the things that I need First
Dr. Alexis: I say, this sucks. That's so boring.
Wait, what? Oh, you. You get distracted and I forget.
Alex: And I don't know, we don't get the things we needed and I have to go back again, like 90% accuracy there. If you're like, Hey, I want to go spend quality time while you're on a mission, yeah, I will lose focus on the mission, spend time with you, and then have to make the trip all over again, which you then,
Dr. Alexis: that's why I say bring a list.
It's like, not list. I'll
Alex: have a list. I'll still get distracted.
Dr. Alexis: Okay. So I'm not sure I
Alex: like your thoughts. I don't think this
Dr. Alexis: is necessarily like a sex based. Grain difference.
Alex: It can be. I mean, it might be like a, like
Dr. Alexis: a personality difference. An attention difference.
Alex: Attention in cognitive flexibility between men and women and sense.
So cognitive flexibility in men is really poor so they don't multitask the [00:24:00] same way. Sense. We can multitask a
Dr. Alexis: lot. Yeah. Yeah.
Alex: So we could
Dr. Alexis: spend quality time Yeah. With you all and, and still get everything on our list.
Alex: Yeah. So, and
Dr. Alexis: mosey around and get distracted as well.
Alex: I mean, I mean, so.
Dr. Alexis: What I, what I appreciate from this guy's take was like, here's another perspective.
Yeah. Real perspective. It's not into at all. We're just focused on the mission. We have our blinders on.
Alex: Go. Well, and it's interesting because what part of you walking way behind him, is he even caring enough to dictate that to you? You can go do whatever you want there. It's not like you're forced to follow him.
That's not a narcissist. The narcissist would want you to then have to do what he says.
Yeah,
Alex: want to yield to your will and or wanting you to yield to his will and all these things. That's different.
Dr. Alexis: So here's the full audio. Okay. We are going to duet this.
Alex: Oh, we are?
Dr. Alexis: Yes. Live
Alex: I. Okay. Okay.
Dr. Alexis: Because I couldn't download the video.
But they do [00:25:00] allow us to duet it. We're gonna play the audio playing while doing it, do it, and then posting about it. Okay. Okay. So, and let me look up this person first to see like, what are even their, what do they know about anything? They don't say anything about their credentials, just that they're, it
Alex: may not do their audio.
We cannot out.
Dr. Alexis: Um, it, it says original audio was from this person, so just other places to find them. And their tag says that they're postal. Um, but apparently they know a lot about narcissism. So here's the original audio.
.: He achieve a awake wing now like, huh? If you feel with a narcissist, then you know this.
No fool. They walk seven miles ahead of you. There's four reasons why they deal it. One, can we assert dominance and control by dictating pace and direction? They are communicating their perceived superiority and need to be in charge.
Alex: Do they care about where you are?
.: Lack of empathy and consideration. Now we're in the
Alex: ation.
.: Now we're talking about narcissist. If [00:26:00] you keep Auburn, the more trouble you're having, the faster they three. Projecting an image of independence. Be prioritize presenting themselves as independent and then attached
Alex: while they're looking for their template support,
.: disrespect and devaluation. Walking ahead could be a sign of disrespect and a subtle way to devalue the other person.
They do it. We validate or neglect their partner.
Alex: I feel like they're really irritated you.
.: Why I finally catch up to him? He don't even know me.
Alex: Only a random person.
Dr. Alexis: I think that's the, that's ever his concern, that that's like her husband and he looks at her like she's a random person.
Alex: I, well, I mean, if you're judging, if you're scrutinizing this person at that level
Dr. Alexis: because she's talking out loud, following her husband with a camera and then calling him a narcissist and then trying to define what a narcissist is and making that what her husband's doing in the here and now is a, is a narcissist.
And then I wouldn't want someone here around with a camera [00:27:00] calling me a narcissist and like putting me on blast like that.
Alex: And it's interesting that they would even think that in pathologically, that when he saw her again, that he'd have no response to. That means that he's a narcissist as well. Don't,
Dr. Alexis: you know, everything means that you're a narcissist.
Alex: I just don't understand how any of those things are attributes to attribute to are attributed to narcissism. 'cause none of those things actually go back to like him having his ego somehow. Imbalance. Yeah. None of exerting power and control
Dr. Alexis: your grandiosity or so
Alex: exerting control except for the fact that he's not Dr.
If he. Told her that she had to grab the cart and then needs to keep up. That would be dominance. That would be control. He didn't care what she was doing.
.: Yeah.
Alex: Go look at whatever you wanna look at. Go to, I'm on a mission, leave me alone.
.: There's so much freedom there.
Alex: There is, there's, there's a lack of care.
So when he said lack of consideration, yes. There's this first, the show's a general lack of consideration.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah.
Alex: For their part. [00:28:00] The
Dr. Alexis: why it is is the important part here. 'cause of it. Is it is the why because he's a narcissist? Or is the why because he's on a mission or, or because he's tired or, or just
Alex: running from the voice.
Especially if it's just like they're picking at you. Oh my gosh. Reasons in which, just get your tide pods bud. Right?
Dr. Alexis: What is, that was a different guy, right? No, it the,
Alex: oh, it's a different guy. But he was getting tide pods, which is why the guy was actually referring to,
Dr. Alexis: and that's the interesting part about these trending posts, especially around dating and relationships and marriage, is that, um.
People are trying to diagnose their significant other.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: And then it, and they usually come to this conclusion of like, they, they must be a narcissist. And I'll show you even later about how many different posts there are about this. But the thing is, is that like there's so many other reasons why this person might be behaving this way.
Yeah. Including other types of personality disorders. Oh yeah. That fit this type of behavior. Mm-hmm. Sure. There's so many more reasons. And I just find [00:29:00] it interesting that right now everyone online is so fascinated by narcissism.
Alex: Could be super anxious, could be a DH, adhd. Could be also like, could have ptsd, TSD could be on the spectrum.
Yeah. Like I can't handle crowded other things. Or you royally pissed them off and they're not okay with just rolling to you just blew
Dr. Alexis: up at them before you started recording, you know?
Alex: Yep. There we go.
Dr. Alexis: Or they're unhappy in the relationship. That could be the thing too. Doesn't have to be a whole. Full blown personality disorder.
Alex: Or he could be a narcissist except that has no indication of it. And other places you should show where they're actually a narcissist.
Dr. Alexis: And then one thing that I would always tell people that I'm coaching in, in, in dating relationships or relationship, um, I is that let's just focus on the is
Alex: yes, this is good.
Dr. Alexis: What is going on
Alex: here?
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. And is this reality working for you? Yeah. Regardless of the why, because especially if that person's not in the room, we may never know the why, especially if they're going through a breakup.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: But the is of the [00:30:00] relationship, the fact that this person is behaving this way or acting this way, especially after you try talking to them about it.
Well, in your
Alex: understanding of this person is to then diagnose them and tell, tell the world how awful they are with their need to control. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Alexis: That's more of a red flag to me. If
Alex: that's, if that's what your take is on this thing, you've already. You've already come to a conclusion that this is who they are and what they're about.
Dr. Alexis: Then they can't break outta that.
Alex: No,
Dr. Alexis: that's a problem with trying to put people in these boxes. Yeah. Including diagnostic boxes. And that's something as like clinicians or therapists that we always keep in mind. Well,
Alex: so ideally that
Dr. Alexis: we always keep in mind
Alex: is they move it from resentment to contemp. And that's what it sounds like.
Dr. Alexis: Let's look at another example. Let me tell you about math. I'm not an expert advice.
Alex: Alright. Lied. I asked for, but let's see what they have to say. All right, let's do this one. Ready?
Always ask a man on a first date who his favorite movie director is, and I can help you interpret what he says. This is based on 40 years of research, so I won't be accepting any [00:31:00] criticisms or notes.
If he says, Martin Scorsese, watch out.
Alex: I love that all already, already. I love this and mostly because. This is artistic interpretations of things. And you know what, it's okay not to have, this is just there. I read. I will take it. Course. Go for it. Lovely confidence, fun ones. All right. This is great. This makes me happy as a, as a film nerd.
Dr. Alexis: This is one of the ones that I wanted to show you. Um, but I was hoping that they would say the name first before coming to the conclusion, so that way I can. I can test you on it.
Alex: Uh, Martin Scorsese, at first, uh, that's ette red flag, but All right, go, just go. Just go. Well, what was the, there's too many people.
Ask them what their favorite director is and then ask, okay. Is
Dr. Alexis: this your favorite director?
Alex: Martin Scorsese? Yeah. No. Okay.
Dr. Alexis: Let's see if that's a good thing.
Alex: Let's see if you can guess my favorite. That's the funny part is, let's see if you can guess. My favorite director, I
Dr. Alexis: dunno. I'm
Alex: sure you've times,
so let's see what they say about people who like director.
Yeah. For his mom. If he says Christopher Nolan, his eggplant is either a lot bigger or a lot smaller than average, and you owe it yourself to find out which one it is. If he says Quentin [00:32:00] Tarantino, then up from your chair and walk quickly to the nearest exit. I think that's Gerwig. He's a liar. If he says Jordan Peele, he has childhood trauma that he will take out on you.
If he says, Coleen Brothers, that's fine. If you go to the gym, he will not be able to protect you in a fight. If he says Catherine, he will not say Catherine Bigelow. If he says Wes Anderson, he has a weird collection. So find out what it is. And if you can live with it as quickly as possible, if he says Paul Thomas Anderson, he will watch Bravo TV shows with you.
If he says, Darren Aronofski, he's too sad and he's going to leave you for a younger woman who thinks that he's smarter than he is and if he says, Steven Spielberg, that's your dad. Who's gonna expect him to treat you exactly the way your dad did. Hope this was helpful.
Alex: I gotta say that was pretty on point.
If you, alright, so if you're a from person and you know those directors, that was actually pretty on point. That was, that was pretty good.
Dr. Alexis: As soon as we're like. Don't try to test people and put them in boxes, that's limiting and judgmental
Alex: wrong. I love these directors. I love the films that they do.
Dr. Alexis: This is all for fun.
Alex: This is for fun. [00:33:00] I'm not talking poorly about, okay, so of those
Dr. Alexis: directors. Who did was your personal? I don't,
Alex: it's hard for me to pick down the favorite movies. Yeah,
Dr. Alexis: maybe that's the right answer according to Christmas.
Alex: But, but like for example, I really enjoy Christopher Nolan, the wonderful movies and interesting things.
Uh, and is that the
Dr. Alexis: one
Alex: that Eggplant Too Big, too Small? Zero Dated. Um, um, the other one is, uh, Wes Anderson Collections a thing.
Dr. Alexis: Uh, yeah, we do have some collections around.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: So that's a fun one.
Alex: Yeah, I like that. And it, it's interesting 'cause it's not always about like. What you like does have some significance around what kind of dynamics are the way in which you view the world and everything else.
So I, it's fun. I just, but do not take it for, this is definitive truth.
Dr. Alexis: Yes. And then allow yourself to kind of play around with what you learn about somebody and what their interests are. Mm-hmm. Ask questions, be curious. Yeah. You know, keep on exploring. Then tell us if your big picture vector is, if they were mentioned or not.
This one's for the dudes. If you're [00:34:00] going on a date with a girl, you need to ask them this screening question
Dr. Alexis: and this screening question can be used for anyone.
Alex: Also, I don't know if I call somebody a screening question, but Right. Cool. First
Dr. Alexis: date. Let me pull up my screening question.
Alex: Hopefully you've screened them on a date.
I wanna
Dr. Alexis: wait. I wanna see if we could answer these questions and pass this guy screening question. Fast enough.
Do you wanna be a fairy witch princess or mermaid
Alex: fairy Print? Princess. Witch or Mermaid? I
Dr. Alexis: pull this up. Okay, so what? What were my options?
Alex: Fairy princess, witch or mermaid?
Dr. Alexis: Fairy. Princess. Witch.
Ooh, mermaid. Originally I was thinking Mermaid. 'cause I love being in the water so much. Mm-hmm. But I forgot that which was an option and that'd be so cool to have all the skills. I would ideally choose all of them.
Alex: Apprentice, which Mer made.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah, because Princess, you get to like lounge around, maybe make some policy change, start thinking social justice, like let's, [00:35:00] like make sure that our royal court is actually serving the people.
And then mermaid, I love being in water, which I so the fact having magical powers and like creating like healing potions. So the
Alex: fact that you're indecisive actually says a lot since you want all of them, not even that. You don't wanna choose one, but you have that. You want all of them Says a lot about you.
You can answer what you can interpret that one uncompromised and I mean that lovingly, because you'll, you would do them all and then win. Alright. Go and say,
Dr. Alexis: I am. I already am. All of this thing. Yeah. Jerry's, I don't know what they do. Oh, I like to fly around and I like glitter.
Go Ruth.
Dr. Alexis: Okay, but let's see if I pass the screener.
Fairers typically love trinkets and oddities, but like very, very soft core ones. They like soft blankets, soft pillows, you like soft blankets, very easy movies, lighthearted stuff that'll watch Marley and me. She will cry. Princesses want two thanks. Time and attention. Spoil them with both. Spoil them with money too.
After that, they'll watch you eat a chili dog in a gas station parking lot at 2:00 AM like swear. You are roommates are typically gonna like [00:36:00] really, really shiny things. So like take her to a rave, take her to a house show, take her to stuff like that. Which can be tricky. They're into oddities and taxidermy and all things strange.
I don't like bumps and whatnot. They're gonna ask you for your birth chart. To a lot of people, that's a red flag to me. That's a red flag. But like every other red flag, I just ignore it.
Dr. Alexis: Like every red flag, I just ignore it.
Closing choice.
Dr. Alexis: I do like shiny thing. But I do not like raves.
No,
Alex: you don't. No,
Dr. Alexis: no.
I don't like some loud noises, flashy lights.
Alex: Yeah,
Dr. Alexis: that's a mess. But imagine people were like, especially some kid watching this and like taking notes and like actually trying to put someone through a screener and like come to these decisive conclusions about the one I hope they recognize. Everyone, including the creator, that this is just like for entertainment, for response
Alex: and what you're choosing actually has a lot to do with, could be about your childhood, could be about this, could about that be anything.
Dr. Alexis: And so even when it comes to like personality assess or, um, yeah, personality assessments and then um, psychological assessments when you're filling out like [00:37:00] any of those types of questionnaires. It doesn't just end there. The big part of getting a proper diagnosis is understanding the why behind the items that you're answering.
And so just like when he was saying mermaids because of this, but my reason for being a mermaid or for wanted to be a princess was totally other, you know, other reason and rationale. Yeah. So if you are gonna start exploring these types of random questions for people. Try not to just jump to the conclusions.
Yeah. But to get the understanding like, oh, why is that what's interesting to you? That's fair. Because that's, that's even like the more telling part than making assumptions.
Here is what your relationship is going to look like if you're truly dealing with a narcissist.
Dr. Alexis: And that's what the title on top says.
We're looking at this person, I look them up, they are an rn. So our registered nurse, not psych, maybe has some psych experience. Yeah,
they can. Good for psych. Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: So this person has a pretty big [00:38:00] following and is saying, this is what a relationship with a narcissist looks like. Okay. Ready? We'll see what they have to say.
Yeah.
A lot of times we're dealing with people who just have narcissistic tendencies and a lot of times we're dealing with, especially women, we're dating F boys, but we think they're narcissists. But these are signs you should truly look for. If you think you're dealing with a narcissist, I want you to listen really, really carefully, right?
This is what the cycle of relationship is going to look like with a narcissist the first time you meet them. You are going to feel like this is too good to be true because they're going to be the best thing that ever happened to you. I don't care if you've been married before or dated other people before.
This specific encounter is going to feel like nothing you've ever felt before. It's gonna feel beautiful. You're gonna feel swept off your feet. You're gonna feel like you're placed on a pedestal because you are. You're gonna feel loved. You're gonna feel supported. You're gonna feel validated. You're gonna feel heard.
You're gonna feel seen. You're just gonna feel all of the fills that you have been praying for. [00:39:00] Mm-hmm. In every relationship you've ever been in. All right. It's gonna be a beautiful thing. It's gonna be so beautiful and you and this person are gonna have a lot of likes and dislike everything.
Dr. Alexis: You could see that in a variety of relationships, though.
Alex: Yes. This is not indicator, this is not. This is your honeymoon phase for a lot of things. For a lot
Dr. Alexis: of things that's not exclusive to you. Not exclusive relationships with someone who narciss personality
Alex: narciss. It could just be a nice human being. Yeah. Alright. It can be like an
attachment stuff. Yeah.
You know, attachment things going on now. Attachment.
Alex: Yeah. All right. Go Keep. Keep it going. You
love the narcissist. Love everything you like. They like everything you hate. They hate. All right. You are going to be the most important thing that ever happened to this narcissist. And then after a while, usually.
Two to six months, they say sometimes they, this can happen very really fast, but within a few months, you're gonna see that that feeling of being on a pedestal is gonna start to fade away, and then they're gonna start to slowly, slowly devalue [00:40:00] you. Once they devalue you, you are going to flip roles now.
Now you're begging for love, you're begging for attention, you're begging for praises, you're begging for compliments. You're begging for all of the things that they give you freely. Overly freely. Now you're begging for even crumbs of it. So,
Alex: so brother, this is accurate. This is a good indicator of this.
Dr. Alexis: Well, my concern is that that three, like two to three to six month
Alex: oh
Dr. Alexis: time period in a relationship, delete
Alex: that.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. That's pretty normal.
Alex: Delete that. Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: And so my concern with this, with the way this person is describing this, is that. People are gonna watch this and they're gonna keep that, those milestone mark markers.
Yeah,
Alex: don't look at the numbers.
Dr. Alexis: Don't look at the numbers. Don't look at at the number. That's pretty common, like for the honeymoon stage to start to fade after like three to six months.
Alex: Dynamics between two people can happen in any variety of timeframes. She does say that, so ignore the timeframes, ignore that entirely.
This could happen in a day. [00:41:00] This could happen over six years. It doesn't matter. It is irrelevant. So that's why this is hard. That's why we're like, uh oh. Why would you be with such a terrible person? Well, nobody typically, nobody's gonna start off being like, Hey, I'm an awful person. I'm gonna treat you like garbage.
Right? But I, it'll be a trick. I'm gonna, I'm gonna trick you really quickly. I, let's have that happen. Nobody says that to start, that's not how they start a relationship. So it's not like they knew they got, they were drawn in, in a certain way.
Dr. Alexis: Whenever it happens, pay attention to when you are being devalued.
Alex: Yeah. Devalued is actually a really great way to say that. Mm-hmm. Um, because it's not just like saying. Hey, I don't like the way you did this.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah.
Alex: Value is like, did I have people trying to do that to
Dr. Alexis: me on the first date?
Alex: What the, yeah,
Dr. Alexis: just try to like talk down and minimize. Yeah. So it could happen at at any point.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's see what, so
sometimes they'll come back when you complain, complain, complain. Sometimes they'll come back and take accountability. Sometimes they'll come back and change. Sometimes they'll come back and act a little [00:42:00] better. Sorry about that. Sometimes they'll come back and act a little better, and then you'll be back in their good graces.
But they're not a hundred percent like they were in the start, but you're just grateful for whatever they're giving you this time. So it seems like everything is good again, you're feeling happy again, and then less than two days later, you're back to feeling anxious. You're feeling depressed. You're feeling like you don't know where your relationship made them stand.
You're feeling like you can't talk too loud. You can't even breathe too loud. You feel like you don't you, you know, you don't understand what's going on. You feel crazy. You're being blamed for everything. If you whine, you're whining too much. If you ask for accountability, you're asking too much. You are just gonna be in this constant state of fight or flight, right?
Begging again for love. Begging for attention, begging for the same things that they overly gave you at the start of the relationship. When you claim you want to leave or when they see that there are changes in you to where you wanna leave them. Suddenly change again. They'll become a better person.
They'll start [00:43:00] giving you some of the things that you ask for. They'll start loving you again, fake loving. They'll start being there for you again. Long story short, the goal is to keep you in this cycle. What I want you to remember is once that love bombing stage is over, they'll devalue you. Once they devalue you, you will never go back to that love bombing stage.
You will never go back on that pedestal. So all they're doing now is keeping you in this cycle so you don't leave them. They're keeping you in this cycle so that you are confused and you feel crazy, and now they're making you believe that everything is your fault. You're the problem, you're crazy, you're whiny, you are toxic.
You are in fact a narcissist. The goal is to never change. At least for them. The goal is for you to change, to lose all your senses, to lose all your in integrity, to lose all the confidence you have in yourself to lose your, your confidence, your [00:44:00] reputation, your senses, everything. The goal is for you to go crazy so that you can stay and continue to take the abuse.
Dr. Alexis: So, so she goes on to continue explaining what are you, what are you thinking? Far,
Alex: well, she's right. Uh, this isn't solely with narcissism. This could be about abusers be, because narcissism is even more specific than us.
Dr. Alexis: There are other, there are other personality types where you do feel that, that like push and pull, push and pull and or that all or nothing.
You're, and we are
Alex: brought on personality sort be dependency. That could be dependency. That to be, and that's,
Dr. Alexis: it's like you're either all good or you're all bad. Mm-hmm. And you're kind of like walking on eggshells. And so that's the really tricky part when it comes to diagnosing, is that like. What you're experiencing from someone can be a number of different things.
Alex: There are some hallmark things around narcissism that aren't being covered there so far. Yeah. Which would be like the way in which you reflect back on them in certain ways or how they are putting themselves in a spotlight. Mm-hmm. Like. There is a big draw to being [00:45:00] something when it comes to narcissism.
Like you have to be the center of something. So there wasn't a lot of her conversation around being the center.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. That's an interesting thing about all the, these takes on narcissism. Yeah. That they're missing, like
Alex: they're missing the traits of narcissism. Yeah. They're talking about abuse. Yeah, they're talking about codependency.
They're talking about like. Other types of like weird personality dynamics and attachment problems. Still not narcissism. It's still dysfunctional and you should definitely walk away whenever you call, regardless
Dr. Alexis: of the why. Yeah. Pay attention to that is
Alex: you don't have to put a name on something for to bad if that person
Dr. Alexis: is devaluing you.
Alex: Like you don't have to call something you, something doesn't have to be called garbage to be garbage.
Dr. Alexis: Can I, well, can I tell you something else like that? Like offensive and stigmatizing to mental health disorders, right?
It's.
Dr. Alexis: It's the fact that everyone is like saying like, okay, if you have a F boy partner, then they likely have this mental health diagnosis of, of this personality disorder.
Mm-hmm.
Dr. Alexis: But once [00:46:00] again, in some area of of, or life and human experience, people are identifying like all the worst traits ever. That person has a, this is still a mental health disorder. Yeah. How stigmatizing is that? We're still. Dealing with, with these sets of stereotypes.
Alex: And on top of that, again, this does not actually like allow for no,
Dr. Alexis: that person can just be a fucking asshole
Alex: and, and there's no dialogue around it.
Right. So you're watching this thing happen. Yeah. So
Dr. Alexis: it doesn't necessarily mean that person has like a, like disorder,
Alex: don't run around pointing at people yelling, narcissist or whatever else. Irrelevant. So just talk about how they're making you feel like, does that, why does that make people feel better?
Dr. Alexis: It seems like to me, I understand it as when people are trying to understand the why, particularly if they could put some kind of like diagnostic label on it. There is like some, some need to like both control and understand and have some sense of, of like validation to their experience. [00:47:00]
Alex: Yeah, that's fair.
People look for that all the time. It also is irrelevant.
Dr. Alexis: Kinda it, they think it helps 'em with the closure process. It doesn't even IFT give you a freaking laal and do a whole psych test on them if that's what the issue is. You know, you still
Alex: wouldn't get why? Because the thing is, it doesn't fundamentally.
The problem is when you're trying to understand why, you fundamentally can't understand why, because you don't have any of the other underlying things that allow you to understand why there's
Dr. Alexis: too many question marks and un unanswered.
Alex: So if I tell you to think of a color, and you think of a color, and I think of for, you know, I think of electric, purple with pink spots and dinosaurs, dancing, like it's a different approach.
Like my brain is doing something different than yours. You can't understand that thing from that point of view because you wouldn't think like that iridescent could gives, if I say think of a color, I say iridescent. I'm looking at these things over here. I know. And like you don't think, like typically people are gonna think like that.
Dr. Alexis: I think that's gonna be my new favorite color.
Alex: Great. Also like, so like. For you to say, oh, why is this person [00:48:00] doing this? And you're going, oh, well, they're a narcissist. That may make you try and feel better, but it's like trying to explain, like,
Dr. Alexis: it's like then does it,
Alex: it doesn't do anything. It doesn't actually answer anything, doesn't change
Dr. Alexis: anything.
Alex: You have a label for this person. You just, you could just say they're an asshole.
Dr. Alexis: Right.
Alex: Or that you don't like them, especially
Dr. Alexis: if you don't know, or, or that
Alex: they're not, whether
Dr. Alexis: or not the action, not an official diagnosis, or they're not,
Alex: they're not capable of, they're not capable of being a healthy relationship with you.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. Or
Alex: that there's some relationship dynamics that, that you really don't appreciate about them or that they feel, you feel like there's some abusive dynamics that happen within the relationship. Either any of that language Fine. At the very,
Dr. Alexis: at the very least used. Don't diagnose
Alex: the partner. It's irrelevant.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah.
Alex: Whether they're a sociopath. Or a jerk or
Dr. Alexis: antisocial
Alex: person
Dr. Alexis: disorder or
Alex: just,
Dr. Alexis: just borderline personality disorder. Major depressive, generalized anxiety. I mean, trauma, survivor trauma flares up in all kinds of ways. Like
Alex: Par Child, you know, adult child of alcoholics or some sort of
Dr. Alexis: [00:49:00] addict. Mm-hmm.
Alex: They could be in a human. There's so
Dr. Alexis: many. Yeah.
Alex: Boring. Boring. Yeah. Boring. Like seriously, it's boring. Stop trying to the
Dr. Alexis: work that we do, and they just wanna be more like us.
Alex: Stop trying to call somebody. One thing is irrelevant.
Dr. Alexis: So I wanna close this out with, I, I went ahead and I took one of those audios and I did a, I did a funny post about the two of you with that audience.
Did you? No. 'cause I told I'm not one of his wives that like secretly records you and then talks about you on
Alex: la You could, but I follow you. So I'd found down.
Dr. Alexis: Okay, so the POV is like, you're seeing me looking upset, and then the text reads relationship advice so bad it should come with the warning label.
Okay. And then you could hear some of that audio.
Here's another thing that men do to show the women in their lives, they don't actually care about them. They will walk, look at my husband ahead of you in most, look at him walking in. Uh, this is something my husband did a lot and when I, and then you come back to me and we're just [00:50:00] talking,
Alex: he mean I'm walking the dog and letters stiff things and I'm looking at the world and enjoying things.
Yeah. Know that they're walking their own
Dr. Alexis: like little fantasy land. And I'm like slowly walking because I'm playing on social media.
Alex: Yep. You know what?
Dr. Alexis: But in that post I explained like, okay, so here's why someone walking ahead of you could actually happen. I like list all of these reasons. Someone, most people in the comment section.
Got it. There was one person who was like, this audio, she actually continues to explain like why her partner's a terrible person. And that's the point that I'm getting to is that like most people won't listen to the whole thing. Mm-hmm. And they'll take a snippet of it or something that they could run with or that,
Alex: and
Dr. Alexis: validates them in some kind of way
Alex: and again, and twist it.
Them, them saying that the person is a terrible person.
Dr. Alexis: And still,
Alex: I'm sorry. Like I, I'm not,
Dr. Alexis: yeah,
Alex: we don't know. You can sit around. Yeah, you can sit around. No.
Dr. Alexis: Yeah. We don't know. Then let's do therapy.
Alex: Yeah.
Dr. Alexis: Overall diagnostic divas [00:51:00] online. Looking at your videos and, and being critical in your comments are just trash,
Alex: trash.
Dr. Alexis: Get an appropriate diagnosis.
Alex: If you're really concerned there are any, brought this up. Be wary of patterns. Be wary of devaluation. Be wary of invalidation. Be wary of those things. If you feel like that's going on in the relationship and you have not communicated about it. Walk, it's time about you, like you need to communicate about it.
If they get, then dismiss that. Walk away. Walk away. I know it's hard. I know it's difficult. If you need help doing that, there's help for you. But that is a dynamic that they brought up, which a thousand percent therapeutic when it comes to those things. The diagno, as far as like the timeframe could happen in the day, could happen in weeks, could happen in years.
Pre irrelevant post kids is irrelevant that way. So please empty nest. Please, please nest pleases. Do not think that just because something happened within a month or two months or whatever. Nope. It's irrelevant.
Dr. Alexis: Or in a moment,
Alex: look at the behaviors. Look at the markers of the neighbors. 'cause female
Dr. Alexis: strangers online, [00:52:00] behind their screens told you yep.
To run
Alex: and look at the cycle and make sure it's communicating about it.
Dr. Alexis: Get professional. Get professional feedback.
Alex: You could always find a win. Read the.com
Dr. Alexis: or check out psychology today.com. You could find a variety of clinicians in your area. Mm-hmm. Especially who specialize in areas of concern.
Really talk it out, especially if it's a relationship that's really meaningful to you. Don't just leave it to strangers. Long thing. And if you're
Alex: working on relationship things, remember, find a therapist that elves into relationship things. Make sure they're trained in relationships. Not all therapists are trained in relationships.
It's okay. They're trained generally in a lot of things, and they're probably really wonderful. But finding some expertise in relationships should you be looking for is really important.
Dr. Alexis: So go ahead if you happen to find yourself scrolling. Send
Alex: me more, send me more of this.
Dr. Alexis: If you're like, if you're now noticing everyone trying to, every stranger online with no credentials, try to diagnose people and relationships.
Send it our way. Yep. If you see something really good and you're like, [00:53:00] oh, I think this is a, a legit good explanation of. Of narcissistic personality disorder, a very real mental health condition that actually treats it with some dignity and respect like we should for all mental health physicians.
Alex: You're asking a lot of the internet.
Dr. Alexis: Send it our way too. So the good, the bad, the weird, the ugly, the funny. Send it our way and um, we may review it here on our Wit and Reason Show
Alex: therapy or
Dr. Alexis: trash, and about time. You wish it did have fun.